Before It Gets Better
by amarie33
Summary: Recovery of an old journal and letters helps Teddy Lupin learn and understand about his fathers life before him. Sirius/Lupin, rated M for future use


"AY! OI! HARRY!...Oh there you are…what's all this old stuff, you never told me you had any of my Dads old mess. Must be brave war stories about how he blew people's heads off with the flick of a wand…you don't mind if I take these do you? He was my Dad and all…" Teddy Lupin always talked so fast one could never get a word in edgewise. Harry had never looked through Lupins old things because he was waiting for the day Teddy would find it…

_Winter_

_I hope this works… Sirius said it might help with a bit of the stress, but James just told me not to turn into a prat carrying around this silly book all of the time. I always tend to listen to Sirius, although it's kind of hard not to. He told me I was smart and always the bookish type so it would just look like I had a never ending homework assignment. All great poets have to start somewhere. I always wanted to write or teach or live my life on the run visiting far off lands with one person, one plan, one motive on my mind, but those are dreams and this is reality. I am what I am and no stupid book will help me forget that._

_ Have you ever lost complete control of your body? Have you ever hurt someone you love? Who is this mysterious "you" I'm talking to anyway, I feel utterly ridiculous doing this but one day if myself or someone else recovers this journal, I hope for it to be enlightening…I hope for it to be encouraging that even someone like me can find hope in the darkest of times._

_ Sirius Black is my best mate. My first love. Also, a large, black dog once a month. It's kind of funny how someone could care so much about a person they would do illegal, dangerous, stupid things to make me feel comfortable. But those words can also describe our relationship. We sort of fell together…the others had known for a while about me, James was supportive but liked to tease, Peter pretended like he was oblivious to everything, that right git, and Sirius always had a loving look on his face when I would come to him to talk about it. I mean, it's not every day you meet someone who likes men and is a werewolf. James would come off it and ask "So how do you…" but I'm not like that…I love peoples souls not their body. Sirius always understood in a way I couldn't comprehend, and I made it quite obvious that I had a crush on him; until one day when we were all sitting together one night after James had nicked some food from the kitchens, we were laughing…sort of, of course I couldn't condone this behavior of staying up past hours and stealing, but I could silently partake in it. Sirius rested his head on my shoulder, and somehow after that we just knew. We were together. It was like a magic I had never experienced before. We tried to keep things quiet, only holding hands in the dark, whispering after hours, and stealing kisses under stars. It sounds completely dreadful and horrid, but it was beautiful. Sirius is beautiful. I hope he never finds this, I can say all I want to him with my words._

_ It was that time again last weekend. I really haven't been keeping up with this. My "furry little problem" always comes even when I hope for something to happen to make it stop. This time was particularly bad, I accidentally hurt James and he has a right nasty looking cut on his leg, Madam Pomfrey healed it up, and he's not mad at me, but I hate myself for it. I hate myself for existing and damaging everything I touch. Except for Sirius…I could never damage something so pure. He saves me, he makes me feel like all the problems in the world don't exist…I'm probably the only person In the world who actually dreads going home in the summer, as anywhere with Sirius is my home now. I'm feeling a bit under the weather, and am supposed to be meeting Sirius for a walk this afternoon so until next time…_

_Spring_

_ Sirius invited me to see him this summer, I don't exactly know how the genius thinks this will go as his awful mother won't take anything short of a pureblood near her house. We'll see…he said he'd run off during the night to see me if he had to. He's wild. Some might say crazy. But he says everyone has a little wild in them…you'd think me of all people would be able to let loose, but my wild side isn't good for anyone._

_ The school year is coming to a close and only one more summer separates everyone from the future…it all seems so simple with James and Lily like they're meant to be, but when it comes to me and Sirius it feels like something will get in between us. I haven't told him this yet as he'd probably shout and say that idea was preposterous and confess his undying love for me, a ritual that goes on at least once a week. He wants to travel and live and love while I want to study and work and write. They say even in this world that opposites attract. I promise I would follow him anywhere if only he would ask._

_ Today Severus Snape saw Sirius and I holding hands by the lake. We were just hanging out with Lily and James and Peter when we heard a rustle in the bushes. That damn ruddy arsehole is always snooping around trying to pull one over on James, or probably Lily since we all know what he calls her. The look on his face was disgusted. The look on Sirius' was worse. I'm in the Shrieking Shack, no one knows I am here tonight, but I needed some time to think. Is this how life is going to be? Will people see how simply amazing Sirius is and think how someone…something like me could ever be loved? I know he'll miss my arms around his waist in the morning…he always says that I'm warm even though I think I'm cold._

_ I don't know how much this journal thing is helping, and I've been neglecting my studies. I don't know when I'll write again, I guess if anything worth writing about happens. I think I'll go back now, as I've realized where I belong._

_ It's all ending soon, I don't know what to make of it…it's been three months since my last entry, I'm terribly sorry for that might I add. These past few months have been wonderful…these past years have been even better. I couldn't ask for more loyal, caring mates. And I have found the love of my life. No matter how old and grey I get the light in my eyes will always be from Sirius. If I could put all for my trust in one person in the world it would be him. I know he would risk his life for me, and I would do the same._

_ After the summer we're going to run away together and find a flat in the heart of London. He has money, but he says he wants to earn it for me so he can support me in my dreams, but my only dreams are to follow him. I know we'll make it just fine. You know, I'm actually sort of liking writing down my thoughts, maybe on our wedding day I'll present this to Sirius as a gift just so he can know…it's always been him. Always._

_ So for now, goodbye. I'll return in the summer. But as of right now there's celebrations running wild and probably some mischief being managed by my pals._

_Summer_

_ We dance, we sing, we smile, we love, we live. We are free men. _


End file.
